How to Co-Parent with a Narcissist

A narcissist is an individual with an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves and a lack of empathy for others; someone who seeks attention, exhibits controlling behavior, and generally experiences turbulent relationships.

We may know someone like this, but what is the best approach if this is your partner and you are seeking a divorce? If you have children together, what then? What is the best way to co-parent effectively with someone you find to have narcissistic traits?

Parents are duty-bound to put their children’s best interests first during divorces in Maine. Doing that can be extremely challenging alongside someone who believes everyone should dance to their beat. Here are a few tips on divorcing and co-parenting with a narcissist.

A narcissist lives in a fantasy world of limitless self-importance, success, and power, exaggerating their accomplishments and popularity, doing everything in their power to get what they want. They often exploit others and must feed their egos to feel good about themselves.

When you divorce a narcissist, some general guidelines are useful before we get into the specifics of co-parenting.

To better understand and feel more confident when negotiating with a narcissist, consider exploring Rebecca Zung’s insightful 4-hour crash course: SLAY Your Negotiation with a Narcissist

Narcissists manipulate everything toward their own preferences. That can be intimidating, but knowing what challenges to expect and how to counter them with disarming phrases should help you in the long run. Through Zung’s course, you can examine strategies to use to encourage your ex-spouse to resolve your issues so that you can proceed with more confidence.

Experienced divorce lawyers encounter almost every type of personality in the course of their work.

The decisions you make during a divorce will likely have a major impact on your future. It helps to seek guidance from a knowledgeable professional with your best interests at heart. By working with a divorce lawyer, you are more likely to make logical, strategic decisions in your best long-term interests rather than emotional decisions.

By looking after yourself during a divorce, you will feel better and be able to face difficult decisions more confidently and with more serenity.

Whatever activities you enjoy doing—yoga, working out, running—prioritizing time for them may make a positive impact on your physical and mental health. Taking up meditation can help your emotional and mental health too. You might also consider talking to a therapist, who can provide valuable independent support beyond that provided by family members and friends.

There is no law against being a narcissist—it’s likely your co-parent will have equal rights to spend time with and make decisions for your children, despite the objectionable character traits.

The major issue for a parent who must collaborate with a narcissist is how to approach both their care and well-being through custody arrangements, visitation schedules, and parenting plans. The fundamental traits of a narcissist can be directly at odds with those required for positive and healthy parenting.

Consider “parallel parenting” with a narcissist instead of co-parenting, as co-parenting is unlikely to be successful with a parent who constantly tries to undermine your efforts.

Parallel parenting is where each parent attempts to maintain relationships with their children while interacting as little as possible with each other.

During parallel parenting, the goal should be to support the best interests of the children first. You can’t control what happens when your children are with your ex—unless their well-being is at risk—but you can focus on creating a positive and loving environment when they are with you. Focus on being the best parent you can be.

Focus on teaching your children positive values and behaviors that will benefit them, rather than dwelling on the negative actions or attitudes of the other parent—it’s likely that your positive influence will guide them as they grow.

Proper emotional regulation, good coping/stress management skills, and a set of house rules to be followed by your children when they are with you are excellent starting points for teaching behaviors that will serve your children well in the future. Maintaining structure and consistency in your home will help the children feel safe, secure, and stable.

Exposing children to the language of conflict can be deeply harmful. Shield your children from toxic communication wherever possible and remain calm and non-confrontational in front of them, even if you are provoked by a narcissistic ex.

You do need to pick your battles when co-parenting—but always keep them away from the eyes and ears of the children.

Ideally, keep communication with your co-parent to an absolute minimum and consider only non-verbal, email communication if practical to do so. A policy of maintaining emotional detachment, setting clear boundaries, and using persuasive techniques that appeal to your partner’s self-interest could help. When possible, stay composed and focused on your goals, rather than getting drawn into a partner’s manipulative tactics.

If your ex-spouse is a narcissist, you may be criticized for your parenting skills or other aspects of your life in front of the children—and reports of this may get back to you.

Resist the urge to retaliate and consider your children first. Maintain your composure, do not try to alienate the other parent, and simply explain that when people are angry, they sometimes say things they do not mean.

A parenting plan outlines the key details of how parents make decisions for their children and look after their day-to-day needs, as well as their health, education, and upbringing. It includes visitation schedules, so that time with the children is divided as was discussed in the agreement.

If your ex-spouse tries to deviate from the parenting plan to establish more control and power, simply say “Let’s stick to the parenting plan.” The original plan should have been made with the best interests of the children at heart. Unless circumstances have changed substantially, there is no reason to discard the schedules or other plans.

If you need legal assistance adjusting an existing parenting agreement or custody arrangement in Maine, speak to an experienced family law attorney at The Maine Divorce Group.